perfectionism is ruining my life
born to dilly dally, forced to be a perfectionist
Trigger Warning: A part of this essay contains discussions about body image issues.
This time last year, when I was in the trenches of job hunting, the most commonly asked question, the make-it-or break-it, of the questions was ‘What are your weaknesses?’ Since I was deep into the world of job hunting, I knew the right answer wasn’t: my knack for being late, my debilitating public speaking anxiety or misspelling a word because I refuse to proofread. But, the right answer to the question was not answering the question honestly. Using manipulative tactics to spin a strength as a weakness in order to make a good impression. To never let the interviewer pierce through the false semblance I’ve created, making it seem as if I am devoid of flaws. The right answer to this question was simply saying “I am a perfectionist”.
Perfectionism - a word with dual meanings in the realm of job hunting. It’s safe to say that answer was always received with a dejected sigh, a slight roll of the eyes for I am just like the 100 other candidates desperately trying to impress for the job. Calling perfectionism a weakness but without an ounce of sincerity, “Oh no I’m such a perfectionist ha ha, I just can’t help but do everything right poor me, ah!”
Thinking back I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. I know I was doing what I thought would bag me that below-average, garbage job but honestly, the only good thing it did was inspire this newsletter.
People often talk about perfectionism as a good thing, something to strive for in your work life. But is it really? Is the idea of punishing yourself to achieve a goal, so out of anyone’s reach, really healthy? Is, putting yourself through hours of gruelling work, to give up on basic necessities like food and sleep, sacrificing on time spent with friends and family, really worth it? Even if you miraculously manage to achieve your goal, you won’t be left satisfied. As a perfectionist, your mind deceives you into believing that if you achieve a difficult goal with ease, it isn’t that challenging after all. The self-critical voice undermines your achievements, robbing them of their deserved commendation. You then hungrily start working towards yet another goal infected with your unhealthy high standards, all to validate your self-worth. No accomplishment, no victory, no achievement can satiate the thirst for perfection.
Don't get me wrong, striving to do better in life and working hard is commendable. As humans, it's natural to want to reach our full potential and succeed in life. But let's not confuse this drive for improvement with perfectionism. Although only divided by a fine line, there’s a difference between pursuing excellence and being consumed by perfectionism.
Perfectionism in the traditional sense is, “the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection”. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? After all who doesn’t want to produce excellent work? Who doesn’t want to be the best? But it is not so simple.
As Julia Cameron put it, “Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough.” This, to me, feels like the more accurate meaning of the word. Perfectionism is spending hours working on the title slide of your presentation, making sure everything is perfectly aligned, the colours are eye-catching, and the logos are just right, yet not being happy with what you’ve got. Perfectionism is rewriting the same paragraph over and over, convinced it's never good enough. Perfectionism is hesitating to start a new project because you fear it won’t be flawless from the outset. Perfectionism is the endless tweaking of a report, obsessing over every detail long after it’s good enough. Perfectionism is never feeling satisfied, no matter how much effort you put in or how well others perceive your work.
It is fuelled by this unattainable desire to project a flawless image, convincing yourself that maintaining this facade validates your worth, therefore steadily building the fragile foundations of your self-esteem.
I joined the beautiful, beautiful world of Substack only 28 days, 23 hours and 22 minutes ago and every minute of that duration I have spent thinking about how my writing just isn’t good enough (I am not fishing, it’s purely how I feel). A majority of that duration has been spent reading brilliant writers write even more polished and proficient pieces day in and day out. And what do I do once I am done reading them? I kick myself for not being as good as them. My standards for myself as a writer are at an all time high when I have only just begun writing again. It seems like everyone is exponentially talented. I can’t help but compare myself to these superstar writers and expect a newbie like me to even slightly measure up. The irony? Writing for me used to be a hobby, something I enjoyed doing, something I looked forward to. But now, as I sit at my desk with a blank screen in front of me, all that talk about it being a hobby goes out the window. I am sitting there thinking why even bother writing because once I am done, I am going to compare myself to every single writer out there and feel inadequate. The joy I get from just the mere act of writing evaporates into thin air. Now I am writing not because I want to, but to prove myself (and others) that I am good, worthy, smart, intelligent and the list goes on and on.
It doesn’t stop there; perfectionism trickles down to every fibre of my being - how I look, how I interact with others, how I exist in the world. It takes over like a disease and leaves me begging for air, every single day.
It’s there in the back of my mind when I am getting dressed to meet a friend, it’s there when I am in a conversation with someone scrambling for the right response, it’s there when I am starting out a new hobby with the hopes of it helping me simply decompress.
Why can’t I let go of this need for perfectionism? Why do I have to keep being hard on myself? Why do I have to let it seep into everything I do? Why do I have to keep holding myself to an impossible standard that can never be achieved? Why can’t I just exist without wanting every aspect of my life to be perfect? Flawless. Polished. I have started and given up on projects because of this toxic inner monologue. It’s also why this letter you’re reading right now is 2 weeks late.
It’s easy to just say “oh don’t be a perfectionist”. I am sure you’ve been at the receiving end of this quote - don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Although a pretty effective punch, it’s just not that easy.
Perfectionism is a manifestation of our innermost fears. It’s about our personal deficits. The fear of not being good enough. The fear that we’re not worthy. It attacks your self-esteem, your self-image and stops you from doing things you want to do because of the fear of failure and shame. In some cases, it would just propel you to work harder until you’re nothing but a hyper-efficient machine, tirelessly striving for perfection. Perfection as a good trait doesn’t exist.
Especially in the age of social media where we are constantly exposed to others’ curated, perfect lives. Comparison is one of the strongest triggers of this phenomenon.
Watching other people showcase their highlights on these apps is like having an all-access pass to a shop window into their lives. Each product of the month—the holiday, the new achievement, the engagement, the hard launch of a relationship, the promotion, the new house, the move to a big city—is carefully curated, perfected, and placed there for you to gawk at and weep over. What we often forget is that these displays are just highlights, not the full picture. They distort our perceptions of their lifestyles, making it easy to fall into the trap of comparison and self-doubt - the perfect recipe for perfectionism.
Social media, with its multitudes of articles about perfectionism and combating perfectionism, makes it seem like overcoming it is a simple ask. A click of your fingers and poof, it’s gone.
We’re all aware that social media sucks. Thumbs down for social media. Social media = bad. At this rate, the little good that social media does is starting to lose its charm. People are rapidly going offline, begging to feel like a human again.
I have a terrible relationship with social media. I compare, envy, judge and let it ruin my days. I start my day with social media, with wide eyes and a smile on my face only to feel my mood drop when I see others having 'the time of their lives.' One quick glance at my face and I look like I’ve just lost a pound and found a penny.
And to be a woman in this world, is the cherry on top of the cake. While both women and men are the targets of these ideals of perfectionism thrown at us from every direction, women face the brunt of this pressure more intensely. The media that we consume daily perpetuates this idea that to be a woman is to be perfect in every role: the perfect woman, the perfect partner, the perfect leader, the perfect mother. Perfect perfect perfect.Yet, it simultaneously tells us that we’ll never truly attain perfection. As Naomi Wolf said, “The beauty myth is the illusion of perfection that women chase after. We are told the same story every day for our whole lives: we can be beautiful – if we buy another product, or follow another workout routine. The gap never closes.” This constant chase creates a relentless cycle of inadequacy and pressure unique to women's experiences. There’s no room to just be good.
Over the past few years, my body has fluctuated. A lot. I have been ‘at my best’ and yet never realised it until a few months later because I was so busy hating myself in that moment. After living away from home for university for the past 4 years, I have recently moved back home. That means, my survival instinct has taken a back seat. All the weight that I lost during those 4 years has come back. My happy weight I like to call it. I am surrounded by family, I eat healthy homemade meals, I can relax more (I still do stress, that’s never not there). My body feels better.
But this sudden change in my body along with the influx of refined imagery of other’s bodies on social media has made me hate myself. I am constantly trying to look perfect. Not one hair should be out of place (it always is), my outfits need to look like they’re straight out of Pinterest (which begs the question, is the outfit actually cool or the person wearing it just skinny?), my makeup and skin should look flawless (my hormonal acne begs to differ). I am constantly trying to meet this ideal that is, to be honest, just pointless. No matter how much I try and put myself through this, the standards are going to keep slipping away from my grip. Especially as a brown woman in a world that is never fully accepting of me, trying to reach these ideals feels near impossible.
But we’re not caged by this toxic phenomenon. There are ways to overcome it while recognising the good aspects and getting rid of the ones that don’t serve anyone.
Like for example, the “functional pursuit of excellence”. Which in actuality means the want to excel in life. We all want to be the best versions of ourselves, to keep growing, to keep evolving. Emily Bilek, Ph.D. describes the difference between perfectionism and the functional pursuit of excellence which boils down to two things: the preciseness of your standards and your reaction to not meeting them. She uses the perfect example to describe the difference, “Someone with the functional pursuit of excellence might say, "I'd love to get a 94 or higher on this test, but I'll be pleased with anything over an 89," whereas many perfectionists won't be satisfied in a world in which extra credit exists.”
By embracing the idea of the 'functional pursuit of excellence,' we shift our focus from unattainable perfection to attainable growth and improvement. This mindset acknowledges that while high standards are admirable, they should not come at the cost of our well-being or satisfaction. Instead of constantly striving for an unrealistic ideal, we learn to set goals that challenge us without overwhelming us, and we celebrate progress rather than dwelling on perceived failures. It's about fostering a mindset of continuous improvement and self-compassion, recognizing that our worth is not contingent on flawlessness but on our efforts to learn and grow.
Further reading:
Thank you for reading!
xoxo,
Reet
this is crazy, my post today is about how perfectionism ruined my life, too :')
Perfectionism feels so all or nothing that I've let myself be nothing far too many times. I'm trying my best to move towards the "functional pursuit of excellence". I hadn't heard the term before, but it's what I'm trying to nudge my brain towards!
Thanks for sharing - your posts always hit the mark!!
I'm so glad I saw your note about this text taking long to finish and immediately went on your profile to see if you had posted it! I can relate to this in many ways. Don't be so hard on yourself and just know you are constantly improving after every piece you write.