exploring the obsession with love: the tortured platonic-lovers department
This essay critiques societal pressure on romantic relationships, advocating for broader definitions of love and prioritizing non-romantic connections for personal fulfilment.
Imagine yourself at a family gathering, enjoying a moment of tranquillity with a glass of wine and some delicious canapes, before inevitably facing the dreaded question: "Are you dating anyone?". This question awakens a demon inside me, it fills me with such intense repulsion that I haven’t been able to decipher yet.
As I have gotten older I have realized just how romance-centric society is and this notion is further perpetuated by the media we all consume on a daily basis. If I could get a penny for every time I have been forced to watch a TikTok about a couple, I’d finally be able to buy myself that Stanley Cup (yes that same one we’ve been forced by capitalism to like). Or, every time I’m listening to a Taylor Swift song and I’m suddenly hit by this intense longing for love.
Last year, I came across a video by Mina Le where she delved into the phenomenon of the 'cult of celebrity relationships,' which further cemented my belief about how romance-centric our society has become. From a young age, girls are taught about the supposed significance of being in a relationship or experiencing love. It seems that every film, song, book, or TV show revolves around the idea of a perfect, fairy tale ending. Being someone who immerses myself in music daily, I've found it challenging to escape the pervasive presence of love songs, as nearly every tune seems to be about romance. By paying closer attention to this cultural obsession, one realizes the fervor with which this notion of a 'happily ever after' is propagated, and it becomes rather daunting.
As young people grow up, they are fed the notion that romantic relationships are among the primary milestones, if not the ultimate purpose, of the human experience. This places immense pressure on them to prioritize their 'love life,' risking social marginalization if they don't conform to society's standards. Cue all the nasty name calling disguised as ‘jokes’. They may feel excluded from the realm of adulthood simply because they are not engaged in a serious romantic relationship. However, it is crucial for our society to remember that relationships are indeed essential to the human experience, but they are not always romantic in nature.
This brings us to the concept of amatonormativity, which refers to the assumption that all individuals inherently seek love or romance, particularly through long-term monogamous relationships. Elizabeth Brake coined this term in her book, "Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law" (2011). When this message surrounds us, it becomes understandable why so much time is spent yearning for love, discussing romantic interests, or engaging in dating and hookups. However, this assumption that only romantic relationships hold value diminishes the importance of friendships and other caring relationships that are equally valuable to the human experience. Consequently, amatonormativity often leads to the sacrifice of other meaningful relationships in favor of romantic ones.
We as a society need to accept that there are other configurations of a relationship and if given the chance, they can be as happy and fulfilling as a romantic one. Not only does this kind of acceptance take the pressure away from people who are both in a romantic and aromantic relationship but also gives young people the chance to explore all the realms of a relationship and helps them prioritize their friendships just as much as a romantic relationship. Amatonormativity puts a lot of focus on romantic relationships, particularly for girls who are still taught in stories, movies, and magazines that love is their big adventure in life. When that message is all around you it can seem to make sense to spend a lot of your time longing for love, talking about the people you fancy or are dating.
I have been a victim of this way of thinking. Actually, I still am to some extent; it’s a battle everyday. It’s not easy to stop daydreaming about your forever love when all around you people are in “happy” relationships and rubbing it in your face (I’m looking at you - all the couple TikTokers who capture my FYP at least once a day). But the more I grow and look inwards, the more I believe in nurturing my friendships, my relationship with my family, and anything else that will show me love outside of a romantic relationship. This doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to be in a romantic relationship; it just means that I am not overly attached to that idea. I am not constantly treating every interaction with a stranger any differently in the hopes of it turning into a relationship. I am not settling for anything less than what I deserve because I am scared to be alone. Instead, I am loving spending time with myself, my friends, and my family. And if someone decides to come along and add to my already beautiful, loving life - that would be great. If not, I am definitely not missing out.
In a society saturated with the cult of celebrity relationships and the pervasive presence of love-centric media, the pressure to prioritize romantic relationships becomes overwhelming.
By embracing a broader definition of relationships, we can alleviate the pressure on individuals and allow young people to explore all facets of human connection, valuing friendships alongside romantic involvements. It's time to shift our focus and foster a society that celebrates and prioritizes all forms of meaningful relationships, beyond the confines of romance.
This is such a wonderful piece and outlook about love in general. Our society do often emphasises our romantic relationships, rarely on platonic ones. Based on my experience, the more I spend time with my family and friends, the more I truly understand what love should feel like. It's not just about the magical story of how you met or why they are the one, but the foundation of it. Platonic relationships (and love) has taught me about trust, communication, honesty, joy, patience, and support. And learning and finding those feelings is such an underrated experience, and I honestly cannot wait for those lessons to be shown when I am ready for a romantic relationship.
Beautifully said! You’re exactly right that society’s focus on romantic relationships as the ultimate form of status and success is not helpful nor healthy for most people. Thank you for highlighting this important issue with your thoughtful writing. I do believe that fairy tale romance is a myth; in fact, just like friendships or family, real honest romantic love is messy, complicated, weird, and often not storybook perfection. I think that this romanticized ideal of the happily ever after is often fairly toxic to young people; the myth of romance seems to merely breed further insecurity, loneliness, and fear of not fitting into the cookie cutter mold set by rigid societal standards. Yet many forms of media seem to promote this idealized, tortured longing, especially for women. I guess maybe that’s what sells? Advertising and marketing try to capitalize on an unhealthy and unobtainable ideal of true love in order to encourage this insatiable longing among girls, with the goal of making people buy needless junk to fill the gaping void. Yet real love isn’t about tortured obsession or fiery infatuation, honest love is complicated, difficult, strange, and it’s about loving a person even with their flaws and faults. As much as media tries to tell us otherwise, we humans are not meant to be perfect. I think that you’re right about the importance of other human connections. Family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, all of these relationships are just as vital to the survival of the human heart. Thank you for writing about this topic with such insight and honesty!